"The world gives in order to take... an event took part of you and left most of you." A visitor to a grieving king, quoted by Dr. Saad Al-Arifi (1:22:04)
From the episode
- Don't seat the worry. Some people bring a chair into the middle of their mind, seat the worry on it, and serve it coffee and tea. Don't let negative feelings spread; the longer you dwell, the deeper the roots.
- Leave panic and complaint. They deepen the pain.
- Don't withdraw. Meeting people breaks the ring of the crisis; alone, you only talk to yourself about the worry.
- Count what remains. Focus on what you have, not on what was taken. An ancient Himyarite king withdrew from everyone after his heir was killed by a horse, until a visitor told him: "the world gives in order to take... an event took part of you and left most of you."
- The security guard. Leaving a government office in despair over a stuck application, he grumbled to a guard. The guard said: if everything else in your life is working, thank God for that blessing.
- Those worse off. A friend in Tabuk, eldest of nine, lost his parents and all his siblings in one car accident. "Yesterday you had a big family; today it is zero."
- Keep life's circles apart. Work, friends, health, hobbies, free time. Don't carry a work crisis home and take it out on your family.
- Look after yourself. Shave, dress well; buy something you like. Al-Ahnaf ibn Qays told a man clutching a dirham: it will not benefit you until you part with it.
- Don't bottle up grief. Vent, but to someone with judgment who keeps secrets. Not like the friend whose only advice after a 14-minute call was "sort yourself out".
- Accept failure. It is common to most people; failing once is not failing in life; and failure shows you are brave enough to try.
- Sleep and exercise. Enough sleep and exercise matter.
- Review how you think. Excessive sensitivity is sometimes the crisis itself.
- Say sorry first. To end a dispute, don't ask who was wrong; ask whether you deserve peace. "If I was wrong, I'm sorry; if you were, I forgive you."
- Your phone's wallpaper. Put an optimistic phrase there instead of a waterfall.
- Stop asking "why me?" It is one of the things that most prolongs a crisis.
- Imagine without. Imagine life without health, then family, then friends, then work. Now take them all back.
- Do something kind. Let the driver into your lane, hold the door. A friend keeps 5-riyal notes in the car for the petrol attendant or the delivery boy. "Among the best deeds is joy you bring into a Muslim's heart."
- Treat yourself as a friend. If a friend called in crisis you would say "it's simple, be patient, it will pass". Say the same to yourself.
- It is temporary. Believe the crisis will pass.
Career setbacks and unemployment
- The hardest professional crisis. The host asks about unemployment after many attempts.
- Life is not tailored to us. Sometimes you don't get option one; you get option two, and the good is in option two, as Tabuk was for him.
- Not numbness. He is not asking people to numb themselves, but to keep striving within what is available.
- Complete from now. Treat your life as complete from now, and keep working to complete it.
The idea, explained
Why so many of these steps work
Several of his steps match well-tested findings:
| His step | What research says |
|---|---|
| Don't seat the worry | Dwelling on a problem (rumination) prolongs low mood (Nolen-Hoeksema et al., 2008) |
| Imagine life without | Imagining a good thing gone makes people value it more (Koo et al., 2008) |
| Do something kind | Spending on others lifts mood more than spending on yourself (Dunn, Aknin & Norton, 2008) |
| Sleep and exercise | Exercise has a meaningful effect on depression (Schuch et al., 2016) |
| Treat yourself as a friend | Self-compassion is linked with less anxiety and depression (Neff, 2003) |
Keeping life's circles apart
His circles idea is a way of stopping a crisis in one area of life from spilling into the others. When work goes wrong, home and friends can still be places where things go right, if you don't bring the crisis in with you.
Option two
The closing advice, for career setbacks and unemployment, joins two halves of the episode: keep striving, and treat the "second choice" you end up with as possibly the place where the good was waiting, as Tabuk was for him.
Try it
When you are ready, gather the steps that fit you into My crisis kit.
Key terms
Rumination · Life's circles · Self-compassion · Mental subtraction · Unemployment (batala).