Complain to whom?

"Complain to a friend and you grieve him, or to an enemy and he gloats." A wise man (▶32:50)

From the episode

• Two kinds of complaint. To people, and to God.
• Complaining to people. Some tell everyone, in every gathering, even the stranger in a clinic waiting room. He says this does not relieve the pain, it renews it. Each time the wound tries to close, you open it again.
• Complaining to God. The prophets complained only to God: Jacob's "I only complain of my grief and sorrow to God", and the Prophet's prayer "O God, to You I complain of my weakness and lack of means".
• The wise man. He followed a man who had been complaining to a friend and told him: complain only to God; a friend will be grieved and an enemy will gloat. "I have not seen with this eye for 15 years, and I have told no one."
• The third kind: venting. Venting is allowed, but the real question is to whom.
• Two qualities. The person must have sound judgment and keep secrets: they will not repeat what you said, and they will give advice that helps you out.
• Rare. Out of 50 or 100 friends, perhaps one or two qualify.

The idea, explained

Why telling everyone can make it worse

Talking about a problem over and over, without moving towards a solution, has a name in psychology: co-rumination. It brings people closer, but it also raises anxiety and low mood (Rose, 2002). Venting anger in the hope of "getting it out" tends to keep it going rather than drain it (Bushman, 2002). That is his image of the wound reopened every time it starts to close.

Why the right person helps

Research on the social sharing of emotions finds that simply re-telling a painful event does not help much on its own; what helps is when the listener helps you see it differently or find a way forward (Rimé, 2009). His two conditions fit this closely: sound judgment (someone who can help you reframe or act) and discretion (someone safe to tell).

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Key terms

Complaint (shakwa) · Venting (fadfada) · Co-rumination · Discretion.