What blocks contentment

"Comparison is the door to misery." (▶47:10)

From the episode

• Comparison. The first and worst cause. We compare with the wrong person, in the wrong way, at the wrong time: when we have just fallen.
• The villa. Rent is due and you cannot pay it, and your colleague owns a villa. But did you compare everything? Your health may be excellent and his poor; your children well and his in hospital. A fair comparison covers all of life, not only what you lack.
• Gifts, not rights. When God takes something you are angry, because you think it was yours by right. Blessings are gifts.
• Expecting perfection. A friend needed 10,000 riyals and went to the brother he was sure would send twenty. The brother said: sorry, I can't. Do not expect perfection, even from those closest to you.
• Bad company. Sitting with the discontented and constant complainers, who talk only of disease, disasters and wars, poisons the mind.
• Not looking at those worse off. A friend with a full house was crushed by his son's illness. The day before, another friend had visited: his three sons had each weakened from about the age of ten and died at 13 or 14. "Praise God that He took one thing and left you many."
• "Social disconnection" media. He prefers to call social media disconnection media: four friends in a café, each on his phone. Seeing others' travel and cars while you struggle with rent breeds discontent.
• Believing it will last. A hard time feels permanent, but circumstances change. There is always light at the end of the tunnel; if you can't see it, there may be a bend before it.
• The diagnosis that changed. A friend's wife was told she needed surgery and 15 days in hospital just before the children's exams. He fell into deep gloom. That day he gave money to a struggling employee, with the intention of her recovery. Before the man had closed the door, the hospital called: a new diagnosis, no surgery needed.
• Harsh self-talk. Sometimes your fiercest companion is yourself. "Wherever I go the doors close, I'm a failure": what you say to yourself does as much harm as what others say to you, and in his view life responds to it.

The idea, explained

Comparison, done fairly

People judge their own lives largely by comparing themselves with others, a tendency described as social comparison (Festinger, 1954). His point is about doing it badly: comparing upwards, on one detail, at a low moment. A fair comparison looks at all of a life, both ways.

Social media

Studies find that passive use of social media, scrolling through others' posts without interacting, lowers mood over time, partly through envy (Verduyn et al., 2015). His name for it, "social disconnection media", captures the other half: time spent in feeds is taken from the people in the room.

The voice in your head

How you talk to yourself matters. One finding: people who coach themselves in the second or third person ("you can handle this") instead of "I" manage stress better, because it creates a little distance (Kross et al., 2014). It is a practical version of his advice to speak to yourself kindly.

Try it

Key terms

Comparison · Gifts (hibat) and rights (huquq) · Permanence of circumstances (dawam al-hal) · Self-talk.